When every attempt to limit your son’s gaming turns into a fight, it’s hard to tell whether his gaming is a problem or you’re overreacting.
Is there a number of hours that means there’s a problem?
There isn’t one. The World Health Organization (WHO) added gaming disorder to the ICD-11, and its definition isn’t based on hours. The criteria are impaired control over gaming, gaming taking increasing priority over other interests and daily activities, and continuation or escalation despite negative consequences. The pattern of gaming must also be severe enough to cause significant impairment, and it’s normally present for at least 12 months.
For example, one boy plays four hours with friends on a Saturday but still sleeps well and keeps up with school. Another plays two hours a night but has stopped seeing his friends and is failing a class. I’d be more concerned about the second boy because of what’s happening in the rest of his life.
According to the WHO, studies suggest that gaming disorder affects only a small proportion of people who play video games.
What should I look at instead?
I’d look at four things, and you can see all of them without tracking his hours.
Sleep comes first. It’s easy to tell whether he’s getting enough, and when he isn’t, everything else suffers.
Next is school. Look at the overall trend in his grades instead of any single grade.
Third, notice whether he has done anything else he enjoys in the past month, such as sports, time with friends, or other hobbies.
Last, watch how he reacts when he can’t play. Some disappointment is normal, but if your family has started changing plans to avoid setting him off, that reaction is a problem in itself.
Why does every conversation about it turn into a fight?
Usually it’s the timing or the wording. If the talk happens while he’s playing, after you’ve run out of patience, he isn’t likely to listen, even if your limit is fair. To him, stopping means leaving his teammates in the middle of a match.
The wording matters too. “You play too much” is a judgment, and people tend to argue with judgments. A specific request gives him something he can say yes to.
When should I bring it up?
Pick a calm time, like a Sunday afternoon, and not while he’s playing or right after. Before you make a rule, ask what he gets out of gaming, and listen to the whole answer.
He may enjoy the sense of accomplishment or the time with his friends, or gaming may be the one place where he feels good at something and nobody is grading him. If gaming meets a need like that, taking it away without offering something else tends to go badly.
What does a boundary that works look like?
A good boundary is clear and predictable. Where you can, link limits to events or a set time instead of a running clock. “After homework” and “not after 11 p.m.” are easy to enforce. “Two hours” makes you the timekeeper, and the fight often starts when you announce that time is up.
Give him a warning before it’s time to stop. If he’s in the middle of a match, let him finish it.
Sleep should be the one rule that isn’t up for discussion. You can be more flexible about the rest.
Agree on the rules ahead of time, and write them down. A rule he first hears about when you’re enforcing it will likely feel like a punishment.
Follow the rules yourself where you can. If everyone puts their phones away at dinner, that’s easier for him to accept than a rule that only takes away his console.
He says I only object to gaming because I don’t like it. Is he right?
He may be partly right. Ask yourself whether your concern is about how he’s doing or about not liking video games. If it’s mostly dislike, the rules may start to depend on your mood, and he’ll notice. If your concern is his sleep and schoolwork, tell him that, and keep the conversation on those two things.
When is it time to talk to a counselor?
It may be time to talk to a counselor if his sleep doesn’t improve once limits are in place, if he seems to use gaming to escape the rest of his life, or if he has pulled away from people he used to see. If every conversation about gaming still ends in a fight, that’s reason enough on its own. Your son doesn’t need a diagnosis for you to ask for help.
If you’re not sure whether counseling is right for your son, call me at (386) 290-1097, or send me a message, and we can talk it through.