You probably already know that yelling doesn’t help, but when you feel dismissed in a heated argument, it’s hard to stay calm. Arguing in a way that doesn’t do damage takes practice, even when you know what to do.
1. Start with what happened
Compare “You didn’t tell me you’d be late” with “You never think about anyone but yourself.” The first is a complaint about one event, and there’s something a person could do about it. The second is a verdict on character. The only way to answer it is to argue that it’s false, so the thing that happened gets lost. As Proverbs puts it, “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1, ESV).
John Gottman’s research group calls the verdict version criticism, the first of four communication patterns that, in their studies, predicted which relationships were in trouble. The other three are contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling, and together they’re known as the Four Horsemen. Every couple has conflict, and what separates the couples who do well from the ones who don’t is how they handle it.
2. Don’t show contempt
Of those four, contempt is the one to take most seriously. It includes rolling your eyes, mocking, and laughing at the other person. Anger tells your wife that something matters to you, while contempt tells her you think you’re better than she is.
Contempt does more damage than ordinary conflict, so treat it as a line you don’t cross, however heated things get. If you catch yourself mimicking your wife in the middle of an argument, you’ve crossed it.
3. Take a break, and then come back
When an argument gets heated, your heart rate climbs, and it gets harder to take in what the other person is saying. Once that happens, arguing longer doesn’t settle anything. Take a break, but give it an end, like “I need 20 minutes, and then I want to finish this.”
Walking out with no plan to come back, or going silent while you’re still sitting there, can feel like a punishment to the person left behind. Gottman calls that stonewalling, the last of the four patterns. When one person shuts down like that, the other often pushes harder. So say how long you need, and be the one who comes back to finish the conversation.
4. Stick to one issue
Many arguments go badly because three or four arguments get piled into one. For example, a complaint about one late night turns into a list of every late night, and then into old hurts from years ago. When a complaint doesn’t seem to get through, it’s tempting to add more, but the more you add, the more the other person defends themselves. If something else needs to be said, save it for another conversation on a day when neither of you is already upset.
5. Try to repair things early
A repair attempt is anything you say or do to calm things down before the argument is settled, like a hand on her shoulder, a joke that isn’t at her expense, or saying, “That came out worse than I meant it.” Couples who recover well after arguments tend to be good at repair.
Repair can feel like giving in, because the argument isn’t settled yet. Whether a repair works depends less on the words than on whether the other person accepts it. So don’t wait for perfect words, and when your wife tries to repair things, accept the attempt, even if it’s clumsy.
Gottman’s group also publishes antidotes for the four patterns, including saying what you need instead of what’s wrong with the other person, taking responsibility for your part of the conflict, and calming yourself down before you go back to the conversation.
What a good apology includes
A good apology names what you did. “I’m sorry you felt that way” puts the problem on the other person’s reaction, and adding “but you also” turns an apology into a negotiation.
You can be sorry for hurting her even if you didn’t mean to. A lot of defensiveness comes from thinking that admitting the hurt means admitting you meant it.
What fighting fair can’t fix
Fighting fair limits the damage an argument does, but it doesn’t settle what the argument is about. If the same fight keeps coming back however fairly you handle it, it’s probably a pattern, which needs a different approach.
These steps aren’t meant for a home where someone is afraid. If arguments involve intimidation, threats, or physical force, you need a different kind of help. You can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 any time, or text START to 88788. If you’re in immediate danger, call 911.