Anger can come on fast, before you’ve had time to think. Afterward, you may feel guilty about what you said or did. Maybe you broke a door, said more to your teenage son than you meant to, or saw a look on your wife’s face that you can’t forget. If you want to change how you react, it helps to understand what your anger is responding to.
What comes before anger
Counselors often describe anger as a secondary emotion. Another feeling comes first, such as hurt, fear, rejection, or shame, and anger follows so quickly that you may not notice the first feeling at all.
One reason anger comes on so fast is that those other feelings leave you exposed, while anger feels solid and gives you something to do. If you grew up being mocked for sadness or brushed off for fear, anger may have been the only feeling that was safe to show. That may have protected you as a boy, but now it causes problems in your home.
The difference between a trigger and the issue behind it
The trigger is what happened. For example, your wife asked about the credit card bill, your son rolled his eyes, or someone cut you off in traffic. The issue is what it meant to you. It may have felt like proof that you’re failing to provide, that you’re losing your son, or that nobody respects you.
If you only work on triggers, there will always be another one. When you understand the issue, you may find that several triggers were about the same thing, and you can work on that directly.
To find your own issues, think back over the last several times your anger went further than the moment called for and you kept thinking about it afterward. Write down what happened each time, and then look at what those times have in common. Some of the themes you find may go back to when you were young.
How your past can shape your anger
A man whose father treated him with contempt, for example, may hear contempt in his wife’s voice even when it isn’t there. A man who spent his childhood trying to keep the peace may feel a growing argument as a threat, even when it’s only a disagreement about a schedule.
Your past doesn’t excuse what you say or do when you’re angry, but it can help you understand why you react the way you do. Sometimes the reaction fits something from years ago better than it fits what’s in front of you.
What your anger may be telling you
Anger is a sign that something matters to you and that something is wrong, and that sign is often accurate. If you’re angry because you hardly see your kids, you’re right to care about that. What needs to change is the way the anger comes out. The Bible says, “Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger” (Ephesians 4:26, ESV).
So when you feel angry, ask yourself what matters to you in that moment, what feels threatened, and what you’ve needed for a long time without asking for it directly. When you can put what you need into words, you can ask for it calmly instead of getting loud.
When to get help
Understanding your anger won’t, by itself, help you control it. If your anger has turned physical, if your family is careful around you because of your temper, if you’ve lost jobs or relationships over it, or if you’ve promised to stop and couldn’t, it’s time to get help.
I offer anger counseling for men in Port Orange. Sessions are 50 minutes, and the first one is a conversation about what brought you in. You can see my rates or get in touch.
If anyone in your home is unsafe, that comes first. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788. If you’re having thoughts of harming yourself or someone else, call or text 988, the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, any time. In an emergency, call 911.