It can be hard to tell whether pornography has become a problem for you. People tend to either panic about it or brush it off, and neither one helps you see where you stand.
How often you watch is a weak measure
It’s natural to want a simple number to measure yourself against, but how often you watch tells you less than you might think. A better measure is whether you can stop when you decide to, what you’re using it for, and what it’s costing you.
What the diagnostic manuals say
The DSM-5 and its updated edition, the DSM-5-TR, are the standard diagnostic manuals for mental health care in the United States. Neither one recognizes pornography addiction or sex addiction as a disorder. A diagnosis called hypersexual disorder was proposed for the DSM-5, and it wasn’t adopted.
The World Health Organization’s ICD-11 did add something related, called Compulsive Sexual Behaviour Disorder. It’s classified as an impulse-control disorder rather than an addiction, and its criteria don’t require tolerance or withdrawal, which are what most people have in mind when they use the word “addiction.”
Many men struggle with pornography, whatever the manuals call it. Worrying about whether you’re an “addict” can keep you focused on a label instead of on what it’s costing you.
Signs that it has become a problem
You’ve tried to cut back and couldn’t. You made a real decision to stop, you meant it, and you went back to it anyway, more than once. That gap between what you intend and what you do is one of the clearest signs of a problem.
It’s getting in the way of your life. It may be cutting into your sleep, your work, or the time you meant to spend with your wife or kids.
Intimacy with your wife has changed. You may have pulled away from her, or found that pornography has shaped what you expect from sex in ways that hurt your marriage.
It’s become a way to cope. Notice what usually happens right before you turn to it. If it’s stress, loneliness, boredom, conflict, or feeling like a failure, then you’re using pornography to deal with those feelings. That’s one reason willpower alone often isn’t enough. If you stop without dealing with what’s underneath, those feelings will still be there, and you’ll need a better way to handle them.
The secrecy has grown. Secrecy wears down trust in a marriage, and trust takes time to rebuild.
When it goes against what you believe
You may also be troubled because pornography goes against what you believe. If you keep going back to something you believe is wrong, that’s reason enough to get help.
Getting help
If you’ve tried to stop and couldn’t, or it’s taking things from you that you aren’t willing to lose, I’d encourage you to talk to someone.
I help men with this in Port Orange, and you can talk about it here without shame. We’ll look at what’s behind it and work on the changes you want to make, including rebuilding trust if secrecy has hurt your marriage. My prayer for every man I work with is that he’ll find hope.
Sessions are 50 minutes. You can see my rates, read what to expect at a first session, or reach out.
If you’re feeling hopeless, don’t wait for an appointment. Shame can make things feel more permanent than they are. Call or text 988, the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, any time. If you’re in immediate danger, call 911.