Avoiding something that makes you anxious brings relief right away. Because the relief comes so quickly, avoiding can become a habit, and over time that habit makes anxiety worse.
How avoidance keeps anxiety going
People tend to repeat whatever brings quick relief. Psychologists call this negative reinforcement, which means a behavior gets stronger because it takes away something unpleasant.
For example, say you’re dreading a hard phone call. Thinking about it makes your anxiety rise, and putting it off makes it drop. You come away feeling that avoiding the call kept you safe, so the next time, you’re more likely to avoid it.
Researchers have described how avoidance maintains inaccurate estimates of threat, which in turn drives more avoidance. If you never make the call, you never find out whether your fear was right. That’s why facing what you’ve been avoiding, a little at a time, usually helps more than waiting for the anxiety to pass.
Less obvious kinds of avoidance
Some avoidance is easy to spot. You don’t go, you don’t call, or you leave early. Other kinds are harder to notice, because you do the thing, or part of it.
Procrastination is one of them. You put the task off instead of saying no to it. Each delay brings the same relief that canceling would, so your dread about the deadline grows.
Another is asking for reassurance. You ask someone whether it’ll be okay, and then you ask again an hour later. The relief from reassurance wears off, so you keep needing more of it.
Some preparation helps, but over-preparing can become a way to put things off. You rehearse a conversation again and again instead of having it.
You can also be there without taking part. You go, but you spend the time on your phone, drinking, or planning how to leave, so your fear never gets tested.
If something hasn’t gotten easier after a long time, ask yourself whether you’ve been facing it or avoiding it in one of these ways.
Why “face your fear” isn’t enough by itself
“Face your fear” points in the right direction, but it leaves out two things: how big a step to take and how long to stay. Starting with the hardest version of what you fear can convince you that you can’t handle it. Leaving as soon as the anxiety is at its worst can teach you the same thing as not going at all.
What tends to help
Choose a first step small enough that you can stay with it, and then take a slightly bigger one. If your goal is to call and make an appointment, the first step might be writing down what you’ll say.
Stay until the anxiety comes down. If you stay in a situation instead of leaving, anxiety generally rises, levels off, and then eases. You don’t have to feel comfortable or make the anxiety stop. You only have to stay long enough to see what happens.
Before you do the hard thing, write down what you think will happen and how bad it will be, out of 10. Afterward, note what did happen, and compare the two.
Plan to do it more than once, because one time usually isn’t enough to change how anxious something makes you.
As you work on this, you can also bring your anxiety to God in prayer, “casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you” (1 Peter 5:7, ESV).
What this doesn’t mean
None of this means anxiety is a lack of discipline or a flaw in your character, or that you haven’t tried hard enough. Avoidance works the same way in people who are disciplined in every other part of their lives.
It also doesn’t mean you should force yourself through everything you avoid. Some things are worth avoiding. The question to ask is whether avoiding something is keeping you from the life you want.
When to talk to a counselor
It’s worth talking to a counselor if anxiety is keeping you from things you want to do or is affecting your work, your sleep, or your relationships. The same is true if you’ve been using alcohol to manage it. You don’t have to wait until things get worse to ask for help.
If you’re having thoughts of harming yourself, don’t wait for an appointment with anyone. Call or text 988, the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, any time. If you’re in immediate danger, call 911.