When the same argument with your wife keeps coming back, you may worry that your marriage is failing. A recurring argument is normal, and what makes it painful is usually how the two of you handle it.
Psychologist John Gottman and his colleagues have studied more than 3,000 couples. One of their best-known findings is that 69 percent of relationship conflict is about perpetual problems. These are problems that keep coming back because they come from differences in personality or in what each person needs from everyday life.
Happy couples have them, and so do unhappy ones. What seems to matter is whether a couple can still talk about the problem or whether the conversation has gotten stuck.
The need behind the argument
The argument might be about the dishes, the in-laws, how much you work, or how she spends money. It’s easier to argue about something concrete like that than to name the need behind it. Instead of saying, “I feel like I’m carrying this house by myself, and nobody notices,” one of you says, “You never load the dishwasher.”
Then you argue about the dishes, and since they were never the main issue, settling them doesn’t help. Two weeks later, the same argument comes back over something else. If an argument gets settled and neither of you feels any relief, you haven’t talked about the need behind it yet.
The needs behind a repeated argument are usually ordinary ones, like being seen as capable, having help with the load, mattering more than a job, being trusted, being wanted, or having some part of life that’s your own.
Needs like these are hard to say out loud, especially if you grew up thinking that stating a need is the same as making a demand. So they come out as criticism, as pulling away, or as a comment about the dishes, and the other person hears an attack instead of the need.
How assumptions keep the argument going
Over time, you and your wife can both start responding to what you’ve decided the other one meant instead of what was said.
For example, she mentions the budget, and you hear that you don’t earn enough. You answer that, and she feels accused of something she didn’t say. It works the other way too, when you mention working late and she hears that she isn’t a priority. Because each of you is reacting reasonably to what you heard, the argument is hard to sort out.
What sets the argument off
The things that set off a repeated argument aren’t random, and you can learn to spot yours. Some are predictable situations, like conversations about money, visits from family, or the hour after work when everyone is worn out. Some are physical. When you’re tired, hungry, sick, or stressed, a comment that would have been fine in the morning can start a long argument at night.
Some go back further than your marriage. If either of you grew up in a home where a raised voice meant something bad was about to happen, a raised voice may still feel like danger, even when it’s only emphasis.
What you can do
Talk about it when you’re not arguing. Pick a calm time and say something like, “I think we keep having the same argument, and I’d like us to look at it together.”
Ask yourself what you’re afraid of. When you’re stuck on who’s right, think about what giving in on this would mean to you. The answer often points to the need behind the argument.
Check what she meant. Ask, “When you said that, I heard that I don’t matter to you. Is that what you meant?” Often it wasn’t, and asking lets you clear it up. It’s a way to be “quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger” (James 1:19, ESV).
Take a break when it gets heated, and then come back. If you leave and never return to the subject, your wife learns that walking away means the issue gets dropped, and the next conversation starts with more urgency.
Aim to keep talking about it. Gottman’s research found that with perpetual problems, what matters is the way a couple talks about them. Couples who can keep discussing one with acceptance, and even some humor, can live with it. When the same problem gets gridlocked, it eventually leads to emotional disengagement.
When to get help
It’s a good time to talk to a counselor when the argument keeps coming back after you’ve both tried to change it, when arguments that used to end with making up now end in silence, or when one or both of you have stopped bringing things up because it doesn’t seem to help. Take that last one seriously, because the problem is still there even if things seem calmer.
If you’d like to talk about the argument you keep having, call me at (386) 290-1097. We’ll start with a 15-minute phone call. You can also send me a message, and I’ll get back to you.
Sessions are $125 for 50 minutes, by appointment. You can read more about my rates and what to expect at a first session.
If there’s any violence, intimidation, or fear for your safety in your relationship, that’s a different situation from the one described here, and it needs different help. You can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 any time, or text START to 88788. If you’re in immediate danger, call 911.